I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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