Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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