is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
