I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
it's like iHOP with fire
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
