I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
