standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
