i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
