Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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