i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
