Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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