Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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