my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
