Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
