god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
