why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
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Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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