listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
