News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
