one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
