just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
