I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize