Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
