i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
