We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
