Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You may now shotgun with the bride
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
