god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I look better un-naked...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize