ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
