well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
