you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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