my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My brain says no but my pants say off.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
