You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
