On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she told me i tasted like america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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