I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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