Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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