So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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