You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
