I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
