my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she smelled like a LAN party
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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