When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
