The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
