I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
