dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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