I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
