Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sober January is a disaster.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i need some magic done to my vagina
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
