I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
