I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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