If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
