***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
