there was a trapeze. enough said
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
