i just had sex bonerless
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
