did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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