Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
