I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
